Armstrong Atlantic State University
English 4700  Advanced Composition

Graded essays. I’ve finished grading your informative essays (assignment #4). Folders are available in the box outside my office.

Due Date for Assignment #5. The final revision of the issues essay is due at the start of Monday night’s class, April 19.

Citations for Issues Essay (Assignment #5). In addition to identifying secondary sources in the body of your essay, please include as well a list of works cited, following current MLA format. If you’re uncertain about how to format citations, please check your handbook and/or pick up the MLA handout from the Writing Center in Gamble 109.

Responses to Assignment #5 Drafts

Following are responses (in alphabetical order) to drafts received by the deadline--Tuesday evening, April 13. Please remember that I’ve asked you to include self-evaluations with your drafts. (Your drafts are in a box outside my office–along with hard copies of this update.)

John Branscomb. Okay, John, you’ve done some good basic research on this topic (though the Swisher and de Koster book is now five years old and some of the articles in it are even older: any chance of including any more recent studies on the subject?). By the way, there’s a good web site with fairly comprehensive links to both sides of this issue at http://inst.santafe.cc.fl.us/~cah/speech/drugtest.html. What I’d mainly like you to concentrate on, however, is not the research end but converting this academic-style report (i.e., unpublishable term-paper-style writing for dotty old professors) into a more engaging article–the sort that might be published by Atlantic or Harper’s magazine. Review Chapter 9 in Zinsser on writing a good lead to your article. Rather than tell us that the topic is controversial, consider opening with a specific case that illustrates such controversy. In the body of the essay, be careful that you don’t distract us from your main issue by introducing side issues (e.g., on page two: an action taken as a result of drug-testing–such as firing an employee–is separate from the issue of drug-testing itself). Also, see if you can do less telling and a lot more showing: on page three, for instance, you’ve buried a couple of good examples in footnotes. Instead, try integrating such material into the body of your essay. In short, have a good look at some of the essay models I’ve handed out for this assignment. And, please, don’t make me read a term paper.

Gregory Dorr. Greg, please let me know which specific issue you plan on focusing on (there are several touched on in this repetitious draft) and whether or not you intend this as satire or as a serious piece. I don’t see any reference to research on this topic–are you conducting such research now? The last three pages (with references to sexual harassment cases, "the radical work environment of superiors," your own family experiences, and the "solution to some racial problems") frankly leave me baffled. Please study the handout on constructing an argument and let me know where you’d like to go with this collection of topics.

Angel Jackson. This is well on its way to being a powerful essay, Angel. The lead is strong (smart, focused, and attention-getting) while paragraph four is a model of conciseness (as you briefly review key historical stereotypes of African-American women) and paragraph five articulates your thesis clearly and convincingly. The rap selections are appropriate and revealing in an almost deadly way–but they work best when you wrap your own observations around them (particularly as you do at the top of page three and the bottom of page four). My only concern is that you not let the lyrics go on too long at any one point in the essay without letting us hear from you. In other words (in response to your question), I’d discourage you from postponing your reactions (at least for very long): truth is, your words (not the lyrics) are what keep me engaged. Put another way, your voice and perceptions are the essential counterpoint to the viciousness imbedded in the lyrics. And this certainly doesn’t sound like a traditional research paper–it’s far more daring, imaginative, and thought-provoking. You’re on to something here. Keep pushing.

Veronica Martini. I like the last paragraph–the one that came to you "out of the blue" (often the best place to locate good ideas), and this might serve as a fresh starting point for your reflections (the page-one paragraphs sound like warming-up exercises–the sort that are generally discarded or much reduced after one gets going seriously on an essay). I hope you’ve been able to reach Angel by now: I suspect she’ll be able to supply you with rich material. Katy Pace Byrd is another classmate with overseas experience who should be willing to lend you an inkling or two. And conduct some solid research re. student involvement (or lack of it) in study-abroad programs (starting with URLs in my earlier note). In any case, build THIS essay with information, not metaphors (okay, one or two). Let me know (by Friday) if you hit a wall.

Judy Morris. I’d suggest you start revising this back to front, Judy, and let us know a lot earlier in the essay what the central issue is. Some version of your third paragraph ("The present post office . . .") could perhaps serve as a new lead–though I’m a little puzzled by the direction this paragraph takes. Do opponents of the new P.O. think that the present building has significant historical value (even though the mural is now over at the Wayne County Library)? If so, how would you respond to this view (and btw, if a new P.O. is built, what plans have been discussed for the old building?) Also, does the Downtown Development Authority oppose the building of any new post office–or simply the re-location of such a building outside of the downtown area? As for the supporters, where exactly do they propose building this new P.O.–and what are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposed new location? And finally, could you make it clearer how this decision will ultimately be made: will the townspeople be given a say in the matter, or is it simply the business of the USPS? You’ve dug up some helpful information, but how about letting us hear the views (on both sides) of the customers: what do your friends and neighbors think about this issue? Heck, how about just walking down to the P.O. and asking a few stamp-licking folks for their views?

Tammy Owens. You’ve set a genuine challenge for yourself here, Tammy, and I think you’re going to rise to the occasion. I like the parts, and I think you’ve just about established the tone (very tricky)–but I’m wondering about the organization. Because the opening paragraph lacks humor (though the next paragraph–on Cain and Abel–works well), the reader isn’t immediately alerted to your tone and approach. What if you shifted a (somewhat compressed) version of the Barbara & Michael fight to your lead–thereby illustrating the impetus for your essay and drawing in the reader through the absurd spectacle of two adults wrangling in the yard? You can then direct your attention to various (humorous) responses to the problem–including the Cain & Abel paragraph, which is a gem.. In any case, this should work out fine.

Sheri Reagan. I think you're off to a good start-the mildly humorous (rather than sharply satiric) approach seems to be well suited to both your topic and your natural voice and inclination. Above all else, though, resist the urge to talk in general terms about the Y2K drama-fact and folly. Instead, put your research to work-and let the facts and the idiocies reveal themselves. The interesting issue (I think) is not so much what Y2K reveals about computer systems (ho hum) but how it has served to highlight, ignite, and even exalt ever-dependable human idiocies, fears, and superstitions-and how (as always) there's a gang of thieves out there prepared to exploit those idiocies, fears, and superstitions. (For $29.95 you can find out God';s thoughts on Y2K: http://www.gridfree.com/book.htm.; while you're at it, check out the "Year 2000 Home Preparation Guide Featuring Ed and Jennifer Yourdon" on video for $24.95--http://www.coolandunusual.com/y2k/y2kstore/y121twok/yourdon.html). Btw, the British (who have been around a while) are generally more sanguine about the issue: check out, for instance, the Y1K site (http://www.forum2.com/conferences/Jokes/%23958774/%5EH/), regarding the glitch discovered in monastic computations as the year 1000 approached.

Angela Spaulding. I’m feeling better about the topic now that I’ve seen your draft. I think it will be fine to open the essay with your own experience–but trying reducing those first four paragraphs (by half, if possible–try cutting as much of the first page as you can) so that you can move more quickly to your thesis paragraph ("I wish there were . . ."). You’ve already collected some good statistics and examples, so that you won’t have to rely excessively on personal experience. (Btw, you might consider book-ending the essay with your own experience: a version of paragraph 4 as your new lead, and the information about the effects on your marriage in the conclusion.) A one-sided approach is okay in light of your stance: i.e., your aim seems to be to reveal the seriousness of the problem (a smart way to go, I think) rather than to argue for new laws or prohibitions. Hope this helps.

Mary Stone. Wise, I think, to expose the complex issues attached to this hot topic rather than argue one side or the other. The fact is, of course, there are many sides depending (among other things) on what one is trying to censor and where one is doing the censoring (the library of a university isn’t the same as a public library which isn’t the same as a school library–and so on). You raise some good points in your draft, Mary: the one danger I see is that you may wind up trying to touch on so many different aspects of the topic that you don’t focus on any particular one. A glance at the articles on the web site http://wings.buffalo.edu/Complaw/censor.html may give you some notions about ways to focus your approach. You might also give some thought to who the primary audience for your essay might be–parents of young children might invite one approach, while college students would invite another.