Armstrong Atlantic State University
English 4700  Advanced Composition

Quick Responses to Rough Drafts for Assignment #4 (submitted March 29)

Because the new AASU e-mail system has proved to be depressingly unreliable, comments on drafts for Assignment #4 are posted below in alphabetical order. Please address e-mail to me at either (or both) of the following:
nordqudi@mail.armstrong.edu
richardnordquist@hotmail.com
I’ve responded only to those drafts that were submitted on time.

Katy Byrd. The pieces are beginning to snap into place–I like it. In the last paragraph on page two you observe that the
"range . . . is as fabulous as the myriad of things they are made to hold." But by the end of this draft you’ve pretty well convinced me that all in all the sacks may be far more interesting than their usual contents. Consider that wonderful sack from "Johnny’s So Long at the Fair"–how could any mere commodity ever measure up to its wrappings? Then, again, you’re working with multiple categories (good strategy, one that imposes the loose sense of order I think you’re going for and that the reader appreciates)–and obviously different sacks carry different kinds of meaning. The historical background on page four is valuable. Btw, Boorstin’s book The Image contains a good chapter on the history of packaging (though his focus, as I recall, is on the cardboard box). Likewise the short disquisition on synonyms (which involve regional distinctions as well–are western Pennsylvanians the folks who favor "tote"?). In any case, I like the way you’ve tightened up the opening few paragraphs, imposed some (loose) organizing schemes, and established a clear tone that mingles humor with sincere delight. And you’re right: the heart of the essay remains the carefully crafted descriptions of the bags themselves. Keep crafting.

Kelli Hodges. Okay–this is shaping up into a solid, informative essay. I wouldn’t be concerned about the lack of local information–though could you make it clearer where the Atlanta hospital (for instance) draws its donated organs from (anywhere in the U.S.–or even beyond?) and what criteria are generally followed in determining who’s next in line to receive an organ? You address the latter in general terms on page two, but perhaps more specific examples (i.e., of other patients) could help to clarify--and help dramatize--the situation you mention. (Btw, since you’re drawing on multiple sources, perhaps standard endnotes would be the clearest way of citing these sources.) Yes, keep the scenario–winding Lauren’s experience (glad she’s not you) throughout the essay is a good strategy. But tinker with that opening paragraph: because the rest of the essay is comparatively objective and unemotional (an appropriate tone, I think–don’t worry too much about forcing this essay into something more interesting as long as you let the information speak for itself), the shift in tone is pretty abrupt on the first page. As you experiment with the organization (and, perhaps, expand your scenario and introduce other examples), let me know if you run into any troubles. Overall, you seem to be on the right track.

Angel Jackson. In the first three pages you offer an effective blend of case histories and straightforward information about the shelter, Angel. You’ve made me curious to learn more about what specific services the shelter provides in response to the particular agonies and anguishes of the different women who come there. I just hope that the rest of the essay will maintain the blend and balance you’ve established in the first three pages–and not just characterize the dreadful experiences of the women. I’m also looking forward to see how you explore the personal theme articulated so well at the top of page three. When you edit, check for needless run-ons (review punctuation with conjunctive adverbs such as however), and also try some sentence combining for conciseness and variety. Holler if you have questions.

Angie Spaulding. Your self-evaluation is right on target, Angie. The weakest part of the draft is the small paragraph describing the actual jump: this needs to be expanded with details that will help re-create the experience for the reader. Also, how about reviewing Zinsser’s chapter on writing a lead paragraph. Be prepared to disrupt the straightforward chronology so that you start your essay with a scene or experience or a fact that will engage the reader’s interest. (Starting the essay at the point you pull the rip cord would be one approach–then back track.) You’re also right about the conclusion: try compressing these facts and stuffing them somewhere in the middle of your essay. Try instead to leave us on a high point. (Do you realize that you and your parachute never even landed in this draft–you’re still out there floating!) When you edit, make sure that you decide on a tense (past or present) and stay with it (in the draft you jump around a lot in time without apparent cause). Also, be prepared to cut deadwood. You have a great topic here. Try letting us spend a little more time with you in the air.

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