CRITIQUE OF A STUDENT'S DRAFT--WITH A FEW MORE REVISION TIPS

a.   DRAFT OF ANALYSIS OF PARAGRAPH 7 ("Well, about slavery . . .") OF
       ALICE WALKER'S "AM I BLUE":

     Paragraph seven is different from the previous ones in that the speaker lapses into fragmented thoughts.  The first sentence is a continuation of the aposiopesis in the previous paragraph--the answer to the unspoken question, "What did you think about?"   She uses anaphoric phrases ("about," "well") as a listing technique to "tick off" the slave-era ways of behavior between "white children" and "black people."  Her mood turns cynical when she starts using words in quotation marks: you can hear the snide tone issuing from the quoted sentences.  You can feel the depth of the hatred the speaker has for the way it was (and still is, you sense she insinuates). 
     When she uses the word "forget," we become aware of the connection between these thoughts and the previous thoughts in paragraph five.  We see the parallel between childhood empathy with nonhuman animals and the childhood love for "Mammy," and an unspoken awareness that simmers on the surface that some white people think of blacks  as nonhumans.  The speaker enters dangerous, hot-tempered territory with these remarks, but by her method of using quotations, phrases, and "fill in the blank," she diffuses the directness of her statements enough to keep us reading.

b.   CRITIQUE OF ANALYSIS OF PARAGRAPH 7 ("Well, about slavery . . .") OF
       ALICE WALKER'S "AM I BLUE":
Consider the student's choice of words and unsupported (or unclearly supported) observations: Does Walker "lapse into fragmented thoughts"--or is she straightforwardly recounting her thoughts, as indicated at the end of paragraph six?  How can the first sentence be "a continuation of the aposiopesis" if it completes the idea introduced in the previous paragraph (by definition, aposiopesis is "an unfinished thought or broken sentence")?  Why characterize this opening sentence as "the answer to the unspoken question . . . " when the opening fragments in fact serve as objects of the verb that concludes paragraph six, "thought . . .."   (In other words, thanks to Walker's declarative statement, there's no need for any "unspoken question.")  Though the word about is (barely) anaphoric, the word well (which appears just once) is not.  Why bother to write "She uses" (twice--and "using" once)?  Instead, identify the strategy directly, without referring every time to what the author uses or does: e.g.,
WORDY: She uses anaphoric phrases ("about," "well") as a listing technique to "tick off" . . .
MORE DIRECT: Anaphoric phrases ("about," "who") tick off . . .   ("listing" and "tick off" mean essentially the same thing).
Look again at the final two sentences of the student's first paragraph:
Her mood turns cynical when she starts using words in quotation marks: you can hear the snide tone issuing from the quoted sentences.  You can feel the depth of the hatred the speaker has for the way it was (and still is, you sense she insinuates).
Essentially, the same point is made three times in these two sentences (though "cynical," "snide," and "hatred" are, of course, not synonymous)--without any specific support.  Why tell the reader that "you can hear" and "you can feel" without showing how?  And, come to think of it, why is the reader treated as "you" in this paragraph, then as "we" in the next?  (TIP: the first-person plural is usually a handy pronoun in a rhetorical analysis.)  In the student's second paragraph, a key point is introduced (the parallel between childhood empathy with nonhuman animals and the childhood love for "Mammy"),
but unfortunately the rhetorical strategies and thematic implications are not explored.   Instead, the student's final sentence reveals more about the sensibilities of the student writer than it does about Walker's rhetorical methods or theme. 
Consider how the deadwood and unsupported observations in these two paragraphs occupy space that might have been devoted to discussions of major rhetorical strategies.   For example, the literal quilt-making described at the end of Walker's sixth paragraph provides the metaphorical context for the thoughts in paragraph seven (and beyond).  As she stitches the squares with her partner's small son, Walker pieces together a number of reflections so as to produce a whole essay about connectedness.   The verbal stitching is represented, in part, by the shift of terms for "black women" from the affectionate "mammy" and (more patronizing) "old mammy" to (the abstracted) "these Negroes, these blacks" and finally (and antithetically) to the anonymous and alienating "they."  Similarly and perhaps more significantly, we see the links established by the speaker's thoughts, from consideration of a neglected horse (in paragraph five) to that of black women (in paragraph seven), Indians (in paragraph eight), Asian wives (in paragraph nine), and so on. 

A few final revision tips:
--Though your initial examination of your text may take the form of a "lemon squeezer," don't let line-by-line analysis obscure the bigger picture (such as the rhetoric of structure, extended metaphors, connections between and among devices and strategies introduced in various parts of the text).
--Resist the temptation to rhetorically compete with the text you are analyzing: your persona in this assignment should resemble the thoughtful (and thought-provoking) reader who desires to communicate directly with like-minded readers--not the creative artist who's hell-bent on employing more metaphors than the text she is examining.  In the student passage above, for instance, the "unspoken awareness that simmers on the surface" relies on an alliterative metaphor that finally succeeds only in repeating the point without supporting or illuminating it.
--As you study your draft, look for places to cut words, phrases, entire sentences that contribute nothing new to your rhetorical analysis.  (The repetition exhibited in the example above serves as a poor replacement for genuine insights.)
--As you revise, read your work aloud: you may hear problems that you can't so easily see.
NOW, enough of the negative examples.  Go back and read carefully the four or five good student papers that were handed out in class. And then get back to work on your own text.  Good luck.

RETURN TO GUIDELINES ON FINAL PAPER
   
                       

English 5730 is taught by Dr. Richard Nordquist.
Armstrong Atlantic State University
Savannah, Georgia 31419
912/921 5991

   

                                       

15 November 2007