rhetoric


neutering exercises
[Spring 2002]


-- "Carrion Comfort," by Hopkins
-- "Rime of the Ancient Mariner," by Coleridge
-- "Manifesto of Futurism," by Marinetti
-- "Amazing Grace," by Newton
-- "Sahara of the Bozart," by Mencken
-- "Lines" by Wordsworth




   

babel0 (9023 bytes)

  NOTES:  These representative examples of the class "neuterings" illustrate in various ways  how good writing may be damaged (often severely) by altering vocabulary and simplifying (or torturing) syntax.   But though the style has been altered, in none of these examples has rhetoric been eliminated.

Because even our vocabulary is inherently figurative, it's impossible, of course,
to truly neuter (i.e., remove all figures of speech from) any text.    The moral?  Style and meaning, shape and substance, appearance and content--these are not distinct entities but interdependent, mutually defining qualities.   In short, everything's got style--like it or not.

Melissa Hill

Carrion Comfort
Gerard Manley Hopkins

  Hopkins' version

NOT, I’ll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;
Not untwist—slack they may be—these last strands of man
In me ór, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be.
But ah, but O thou terrible, why wouldst thou rude on me         5
Thy wring-world right foot rock? lay a lionlimb against me? scan
With darksome devouring eyes my bruisèd bones? and fan,
O in turns of tempest, me heaped there; me frantic to avoid thee and flee?
  Why? That my chaff might fly; my grain lie, sheer and clear.
Nay in all that toil, that coil, since (seems) I kissed the rod,         10
Hand rather, my heart lo! lapped strength, stole joy, would laugh, chéer.
Cheer whom though? the hero whose heaven-handling flung me, fóot tród
Me? or me that fought him? O which one? is it each one? That night, that year
Of now done darkness I wretch lay wrestling with (my God!) my God.
Neutered version by Melissa Hill

I will not despair. Nor will I give up my human dignity to feed on the decaying corpse of comfort, or give up on life entirely by saying that I cannot continue. Of course I can continue. I can hope and wish for a better day, and choose not to kill myself in despair. But why, Despair, do you torment me so? Why do you cast rocks at me and hit me with such a heavy hand, though I am obviously a far inferior opponent? Why do you want to devour me? Why do you hem me in on all sides like a gale-force wind when all I want to do is get away from you?

You tormented me to separate my strength from my weakness, to separate the good in me from the bad in me. And you found that in the middle of all my strife, I still drew strength and found joy, even if I had nothing or no one to celebrate. Who was I cheering? The infinitely powerful being who threw me to the ground and walked over me? Or was I cheering myself, that found the strength to fight? Or was it both? It doesn’t matter in the end, because that night a year ago when I wrestled you, Despair, I was also wrestling with my faith and with my God. And if I was wrestling with my God, then my God must exist. Which brings me back to my first point. I will not despair.


The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Neutered by Daniel C. Ward

 

 

An ancient Mariner meeteth three Gallants bidden to a wedding-feast, and detaineth one.

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
`By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me ?

The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin ;
The guests are met, the feast is set :
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
`There was a ship,' quoth he.
`Hold off ! unhand me, grey-beard loon !'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

The Wedding-Guest is spell-bound by the eye of the old seafaring man, and constrained to hear his tale.

He holds him with his glittering eye--
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child :
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone :
He cannot choose but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

`The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the lighthouse top.

The Mariner tells how the ship sailed southward with a good wind and fair weather, till it reached the Line.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he !
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

 

1 It is an ancient mariner
2 And he stopped

3 By the guy with the gray beard and flashy eye
4 Now where do I stop?

5The bridegroom’s doors are open
6And we are related
7 We met the guest and the foods ready
8 Now let’s get started

9He holds him with his skinny hand
10 He said ‘there was a ship"
11 "Back off, take your hand of me, loon
12 He dropped him fast

13 He held him with those flashy eyes
14 People at the wedding stood still
15 And listened like a child
16 The mariner was in control

17 Guest sat on a stone
18 He had to listen
19 And then talked to the old  guy
20 The lazy eyed mariner

21 The ship left, harbor emptied
22 We left happy
23 below the hill
24 Past the lighthouse

25 We saw the sun on the left
26 Then, there he was
27 He was bright everywhere
28 Then he was gone


Jill Miller 
Manifesto of Futurism,
by Filippo Tommaso Marinetti
(trans. by R. W. Flint)
Marinetti's Futurist Manifesto Neutered,
by Jill Miller
 
  1. We intend to sing the love of danger, the habit of energy and fearlessness.
  2. Courage, audacity, and revolt will be essential elements of our poetry.
  3. Up to now literature has exalted a pensive immobility, ecstasy, and sleep. We intend to exalt aggresive action, a feverish insomnia, the racer’s stride, the mortal leap, the punch and the slap.
  4. We affirm that the world’s magnificence has been enriched by a new beauty: the beauty of speed. A racing car whose hood is adorned with great pipes, like serpents of explosive breath—a roaring car that seems to ride on grapeshot is more beautiful than the Victory of Samothrace.
  5. We want to hymn the man at the wheel, who hurls the lance of his spirit across the Earth, along the circle of its orbit.
  6. The poet must spend himself with ardor, splendor, and generosity, to swell the enthusiastic fervor of the primordial elements.
  7. Except in struggle, there is no more beauty. No work without an aggressive character can be a masterpiece. Poetry must be conceived as a violent attack on unknown forces, to reduce and prostrate them before man.
  8. We stand on the last promontory of the centuries!... Why should we look back, when what we want is to break down the mysterious doors of the Impossible? Time and Space died yesterday. We already live in the absolute, because we have created eternal, omnipresent speed.
  9. We will glorify war—the world’s only hygiene—militarism, patriotism, the destructive gesture of freedom-bringers, beautiful ideas worth dying for, and scorn for woman.
  10. We will destroy the museums, libraries, academies of every kind, will fight moralism, feminism, every opportunistic or utilitarian cowardice.
  11. We will sing of great crowds excited by work, by pleasure, and by riot; we will sing of the multicolored, polyphonic tides of revolution in the modern capitals; we will sing of the vibrant nightly fervor of arsenals and shipyards blazing with violent electric moons; greedy railway stations that devour smoke-plumed serpents; factories hung on clouds by the crooked lines of their smoke; bridges that stride the rivers like giant gymnasts, flashing in the sun with a glitter of knives; adventurous steamers that sniff the horizon; deep-chested locomotives whose wheels paw the tracks like the hooves of enormous steel horses bridled by tubing; and the sleek flight of planes whose propellers chatter in the wind like banners and seem to cheer like an enthusiastic crowd.



There are a lot of things we believe that we’ll probably do.We’ll spend our time thinking about things our parents don’t want us to do AND we’ll write poems about it. We’ll tell others to read books that feature the little things that we think are exciting. Cars are cool. We’ll try to get others to see why they’re so fascinated by them; we may be artists, but we think fast cars are the new art. We think people who drive are just as cool as the cars, driving around and around. Poets need to get their acts together, too, to capture the thrill of fast cars in their poems. Then poetry would be worth reading. If you can’t appeal to young people and their unique problems, why bother? Artists and poets of the past have never captured our struggles before. It’s like we’re jumping into a new sense of time. Even concepts of what space and time were aren’t relevant to us anymore.

We need to live in the moment, not the past. People talk about how bad violence is, but we think that war really cleans out some of the riff-raff. Only the strong survive, right? And we all know that weak people, girls, and the unpatriotic don’t deserve to live. Institutions that have produced the weaklings should be abolished too, along with all the liberal, whiny ideas that they feed on. Have you ever been in a group of people like that? If you try, you can almost feel our new ideas coming out of smokestacks, bridges, reflections of sunlight, trains, and planes that remind us of the excitement of the groundswell of a concert crowd. It would be cool if everyone got that, but then again, that would get us in the same space we’re in, man.





 

 



Becky Swart

Amazing Grace,
by John Newton

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home.


Amazing Grace--
Neutered by Becky Swart

Wonderful mercy, its really great to hear
it helped out a bad loser like me.
One time I was missing, now I’m located
Had a disability, yet nowadays I don’t

This mercy had a really great lesson…
my soul was scared
And mercy, eased my insecurities
It's great that mercy showed up
when I initially began to trust.

During lots of bad traps and other scary things
We’re already there.
It was this mercy that kept us unharmed

and mercy will take us back to our house.


Justin Weilacher

"Sahara of the Bozart,"
by H. L. Mencken
"Sahara of the Bozart"
neutered by Justin Weilacher
But in the South there were men of delicate fancy, urban instinct and aristocratic manner--in brief, gentry.  To politics, their chief diversion, they brought active and original minds.  It was there that nearly all the political theories we still cherish and suffer came to birth.  It was there that the dogmatism of New England was refined and humanized.  It was there, above all, that some attention was given to the art of living--that life got beyond and above the state of mere infliction and became an exhilarating experience.  A certain noble spaciousness was in the ancient southern scheme of things.  The Ur-Confederate had leisure.  He liked to toy with ideas.  He was  hospitable and tolerant.   He had the vague thing that we call culture.

 


Neutered version A: However, the South has gentry, with men of precious fancy, urbane instinct, and is part of an aristocracy. The men of the South’s main diversion are politics, to which they have applied themselves actively and originally. Nearly all the political theories that we abide came from the south. There it was that unrefined philosophy of the North was honed and it was there that people created an art of living. This art intoned that life was more than just day-to-day trials but an exciting experience. A noble vacuousness epitomized the South. The prototype rebel had free time, played with thoughts, was kind and forgiving, and had culture.

Neutered version B: The men of the South were a part of a gentry; a gentry made of men of delicate, fancy, urbane instinct, and aristocratic manner. Their chief diversion was the state of society. With potent and innovative minds the men of the South addressed our great society. The rough philosophy of New England was refined and humanized in the South. Life was considered an exhilarating experience in the South. All the fundamentals of our now great nation were born and nurtured in the South. The vastness of the southern plantation life allowed for a leisure that the north lacked. The Urconfederate was able to think his thoughts through; he could be open minded and helpful; he created the idyllic nature of "culture."






 

Cecilia Arango
LINES COMPOSED A FEW MILES ABOVE
TINTERN ABBEY, ON REVISITING THE BANKS
OF THE WYE DURING A TOUR. JULY 13, 1798,
by William Wordsworth
      FIVE years have past; five summers, with the length
      Of five long winters! and again I hear
      These waters, rolling from their mountain-springs
      With a soft inland murmur.--Once again
      Do I behold these steep and lofty cliffs,
      That on a wild secluded scene impress
      Thoughts of more deep seclusion; and connect
      The landscape with the quiet of the sky.
      The day is come when I again repose
      Here, under this dark sycamore, and view                        10
      These plots of cottage-ground, these orchard-tufts,
      Which at this season, with their unripe fruits,
      Are clad in one green hue, and lose themselves
      'Mid groves and copses. Once again I see
      These hedge-rows, hardly hedge-rows, little lines
      Of sportive wood run wild: these pastoral farms,
      Green to the very door; and wreaths of smoke
      Sent up, in silence, from among the trees!
      

    Neutered "Lines," by Cecilia Arango

A total of five years have gone by; including those summers and winters!

And again I hear the mountain springs coming inland. –Once again, I see these secluded cliffs which make me feel alone with more thoughts of loneliness, while I patch together the land and the noiseless sky.

Today I will come sit under his tree again, which may be a sycamore tree, and look at the land with its cottages and fruit trees, but since right now is not the right time of the season, the fruit and its fruit trees are all green because they are all unripe and they match the color of the groves. Then again I see these hedges in rows, if you can call them rows, because they have all grown wild and are everywhere while quiet smoke arises out of no where through the trees.


                    
Bar013.gif (11132 bytes)     

English 5730 is taught by Dr. Richard Nordquist.
Armstrong Atlantic State University
Savannah, Georgia 31419
912/921 5991

 
  babel00 (3536 bytes)  People09.gif (10152 bytes)

                                       

updated.gif (4083 bytes)
08 January 2003